When Success Doesn’t Make You Happy: What to Do About It

Melanie Mishler: 00:01

Welcome to the Magnetic Creator podcast. I'm your host, Melanie Mishler, and each week we have intimate conversations about the things that matter most in life. My superpower is helping you remember who you truly are. A powerful, magical creator. I give you proven tools to help you get unstuck and manifest a life that sets your heart on fucking fire. Are you ready? Let's go. Hi, friend.

Today on the podcast, we're diving into a topic that hits close to home for so many of us, which is this. What happens when success doesn't make us happy? Maybe you've worked really hard in life, you've gotten an education, the career, the family, the house, all those checkboxes ticked, but you find yourself with like this low grade ache inside that something's just missing. If this sounds familiar, then you are not alone, I promise.

I've spoken with countless women who feel this way. Cause we've all been sold this idea that we can have it all, right? Yet even when we get it all, we're still left with that nagging feeling inside that there's something more out there for us or we're made for more. Have you ever felt that like, I'm just made for more. I get it, I've been there. And what happens very often is instead of listening to that voice and listening to the wisdom in that voice is we fill that void with things like,

mindless scrolling or trash TV or alcohol, shopping, even Botox, right? But none of that shit fills us up. None of it fills that void. None of it eases that ache. In fact, it often leaves us feeling even more depleted. Have you ever spent hours on social media and ended up feeling worse about your life instead of better? Yeah, me too. I've done that several times. We've all done it. Or maybe you did a bunch of shopping.

and you get a rush at the moment, but then you end up getting buyer's remorse. You feel very guilty the next day. And I'm raising my hand on that one because at this very, very moment, I have a box of shit in my trunk that I have to return to Costco because I got wooed by a bunch of stuff I didn't need when I was at Costco. And that seems to happen a lot when I'm at that store specifically. I'm not sure if it's the way they set it up or what it is, but I always end up leaving with like.

Melanie Mishler: 02:21

$500 of stuff I don't need. Anyway, so today let's unpack why success doesn't always equal happiness and more importantly, what to do about it. I think the very first question we need to ask and explore is what does success even mean to you? And it's really, really easy to get caught up in society's like bullshit definition of success, especially with social media showing us people who are quote, living their best life and so successful.

It's really easy to see someone's highlight reel and think, that's what I want, or that's the level of success I want. But it's important to remember that that's all a lie. It's just a bullshit lie that makes us feel inadequate. And I have a story for this one because I remember years ago when Andy and I had just started working together. And for those of you who work with your partner or spouse, you know how challenging it could be. But we were new to this and we were,

just trying to find our footing. We were arguing like cats and dogs. And I remember one night I was laying in bed, just relaxing, scrolling through Instagram and looking at some other couples who were also working together in the same industry, which was wedding photography and business coaching, which was all the stuff that we were doing, but they were posting their best life, right? And I mean, they were selling it. They looked so fucking happy. And...

I was sitting there, I started crying and I turned to Andy and I said, maybe we're not cut out to work together because look at these people. They're so successful and they're happy and they're not fighting and here we are struggling. And luckily, so, so thankfully, Andy has a really good head on his shoulders and he is very rational and very real. And he said to me, love, that's all a lie. It's a big fat lie.

what you're seeing isn't real. He said, they fight as much as we do. They have just as many problems as we do, I promise. And really interestingly enough, a few years later, all those couples, there was about four couples that I was following and envying. They all ended up divorced. They lost their businesses, they lost their homes, all of it. And I tell you this because it's just so easy to believe that lie that we see on social media.

Melanie Mishler: 04:45

especially because we are visual creatures. We tend to believe what our eyes see, even if it's an illusion. So it's really important to remember that social media, this is all a big illusion. It's not real, I promise you. So anyway, back to success. I think one of the biggest dangers with goal setting and success is thinking, if I have this or I achieve that, then, and only then, will I be happy.

And sadly, it doesn't work this way because of something in our brain called hedonic adaptation. Now I know that sounds like a real sciencey term, but remember I'm equal parts woo woo neuroscience and strategy. So we'll always approach topics from all these different angles, but I always break it down really, really basic for you. Okay. So basically hedonic adaptation, that's a hard.

hard word for me to say, hedonic adaptation. It's our brain's reset button for happiness. It's kind of like our brain's way of going to homeostasis. No matter how amazing or awful something is, we eventually revert to our baseline happiness level. So I want you to think of a time when maybe you got a new phone or a new car and you were super excited at first, but then after a couple of weeks, it just becomes another part of your day. The same thing happens with promotions or the...

honeymoon phase of marriage, right? The excitement fades and life goes back to normal. This is our brain's way of adapting to the good and the bad. And here's where it gets interesting. This is why you can look at someone who has overcome so much adversity, so much hardship, yet maintains a positive and loving attitude. They face serious lows, but each time they bounce back and their baseline happiness might even increase because of the adversity. Versus...

Someone who might live a very privileged life, but is miserable. Have you ever met that person? Their baseline happiness hasn't stretched and adapt in the same way. I know I've met many people who are very privileged and miserable. Another big issue is chasing a version of success that's defined by society instead of defined by you. Because we're constantly bombarded with messages about what we quote should want, right? The...

Melanie Mishler: 07:03

big fancy house, a fancy car, the prestigious job. But how many people do you know that achieve these things and then they feel completely stuck? I see it all the time. People get what they think they wanted only to realize that it doesn't make them happy. Instead, it often makes them feel trapped, like students drowning in debt or moms juggling a career and family with zero time for themselves. In fact,

I was just talking to one of my clients about this and she is a successful attorney. She has the family, the house, the car, the whole American dream. And she said to me, Melody, I hate my job. I'm so unhappy. But here's the thing, I have $250 ,000 in student debt. I have a mortgage. I have to pay my kids' tuition. I have car payments. On top of that, both of her parents are attorneys.

So that path was kind of predetermined for her by her family. But now having achieved all of this, she feels powerless to change her destiny. And it's so painful to see because she's not powerless, but she feels that way because her brain keeps telling her she's powerless and that she's stuck. Imagine working your ass off for such huge achievements only to end up unhappy or unfulfilled.

I know there are many women and maybe you are in the same boat, feeling stuck in lives that they didn't authentically want, but somehow feel obligated to maintain. And what ends up happening is if we don't address this, if we don't listen to that nudge inside us, that ache, that like yearning inside us, then we can end up just going through the motions of life without living what I call the three P's, which is pleasure, purpose, and passion. And those three P's,

is really where we harness our inner power, like our true, true strength and our life force. So if this sounds familiar, if you have that little pool inside, like I was made for more, or if those successes that you've achieved are not bringing you true, genuine pleasure and happiness, what the fuck do you do? Well, first, we have to ask ourselves those tough questions, right? We have to ask ourselves, what do I really want?

Melanie Mishler: 09:24

What do I truly long for? What are those things that are bringing you or would bring you genuine pleasure and connection? And we have to get brutally honest with ourselves because the question is really fucking scary. Our brains are wired to keep us all safe and small and just kind of playing along.

Right? That's how our brains are wired. So what happens is when you ask these questions, I'm warning you, the chances are really, really high that you're gonna hear a nasty little voice in your head saying bullshit like, it's too late, you're too old, you're too young, too fat, too thin, you're not educated enough, you're not good enough. The list goes on and on and on. I want you to be prepared for that and know that this is just bullshit our brains are gonna say.

We all have that mean girl inside, but we need to push past that and recognize that just because our brains are saying something doesn't make it true, not even close. I want you to remember again, our brains are wired to keep us alive, not happy, just alive. That's like, that's their goal. So we have to push through that fear and doubt as you go deep and ask yourself these questions, okay? So how do you increase your baseline happiness if it's not through successes?

First, the first thing is experiencing pleasure in your day -to -day life. That's crucial. This means we have to be in our bodies, enjoying physical sensations and doing things that make us feel physically good. This is what pleasure is. It's an embodied experience. Another way is through gratitude practices. And this is a big one because being grateful for the small things like the ability to move our bodies.

feeling the warmth of the sun on our skin or the sound of our favorite music, these make a huge difference. These are, again, ways that we're embodied. They're ways that we are present by being grateful. Finally, another way is being fully present in the moment. And this is probably, I think, the most important key because we often get caught up in the past or the future, but being present allows us to fully experience joy, pleasure, and contentment.

Melanie Mishler: 11:37

Remember, I'm a somatic therapist, so I'm all about being in our bodies. And sometimes we have to face those hard truths, right? No matter what level of success you're at, if you are not happy and you find yourself numbing out with alcohol, TV, scrolling, shopping, anything, ask yourself, what am I trying to escape from? What's not working in my life?

As you go through this process, I want you to be sure that you have support. Because when we start asking ourselves these deeper questions, is when that self -critical voice, like I said, it can get really loud. So you can reach out to me for support. You can reach out to another coach. I'm not a salesy person, but I do have to say I have a one -on -one program that will change your fucking life in 12 weeks. It's so effective and I've seen it change so many women. But it doesn't matter if you reach out to me, just reach out to someone.

It can be another coach, a therapist, a friend. Just be sure you have someone in your corner as you go deep with these questions. I want you to remember you only have one life to live. The question is, do you want to spend your life numbing out, pretending you're happy and chasing superficial achievements? Or do you want to have genuine experiences of pleasure, connection and love? So friend, define your version of success and happiness. What does it feel like in your body? What's your...

day like when you achieve it. And more importantly, how can you start having those experiences now, right now, before you ever reach any goal or success or achievement? This is how we manifest a life that we truly want, a life we want to actually show up for by reverse engineering the feelings and experiences that we desire. So don't wait for some future milestone for any success. I want you to live it right now from your present moment.

All right, friend, I hope that you liked this episode. If so, please rate and share it with a friend and I will see you next week. Bye.